Hard. Boiled.

Now that eggs have had the cholesterol charges dropped and protein is the new dietary black, we just can’t get enough of these little chicken-bum-emissions! Personally, I’m a huge fan. Never mind their versatility and crazy nutritive value, I have a complete and absolute phobia of birds – so eating eggs is, to me, my subtle contribution to decimating the bird population.

Anyway, so it’s Easter again, a time when lovable bunnies, fluffy chickens and candy eggs take centre stage in all their pastel-coloured sugar-coated glory. Blegh. So frikkin sweet my teeth hurt whenever I walk into a supermarket and get hit by the glare off of a thousand gold-wrapped chocolate eggs.

Give me eggs with attitood:

get your leather on

How awesome are these?? Makes such an awesome difference from the usual pink, yellow and lilac Easter-ness. Rustling these up made me want to sport a dragon ear cuff, sing that Black Parade song, and eat raw cigarettes for breakfast.

(Ok I’m kidding, I’m not even remotely as bad-a$$ as these eggs are) (how sad – I am less cool than a boiled egg).

rebel!

grrrrrrr

Boil a bunch of eggs however you like them done – rare, medium or well done. Why not use the kettle for this purpose?

Cut out one of those kiddies fake tattoos to fit on the egg, and apply as per the instructions on pack – usually by holding a warm wet cloth over the tattoo for a minute. The backing paper will easily come away once the tattoo has transferred.

cut that out

warm and cosy

off with his head

Surprise/scare your loved ones for breakfast this Easter – studded leatherwear optional.

PS: You actually can purchase a robot to tattoo eggs – check out the EggBot! It really exists!! *nerd-snort*

Cooler As Egge

OK, so many many deep breaths and zen-y calming techniques later (read: gnashing of teeth and shaking of fists until exhausted) I have calmed down from my crazy-lady rant about the misconceptions of the eating habits of the Singleton. As mentioned in a previous post, I have been planning to tell you all about these wonderful microwave recipes I’ve discovered, but I had to wait until I could slow my ferocious vitriolic typing down to a speed that didn’t have sparks flying from the keyboard. I found literally hundreds of recipe ideas on the Net, then narrowed them down by picking the things that I like to eat, then narrowed them down further by eliminating all the duds. By duds, I mean anything that resulted in a wobbly lump of rubber in my mug (I was surprised at how often this happened actually. It was a bit like being Robin Williams’ character in the movie Flubber – except these duds, regrettably, did not perform any funny dance moves).

cos crack aint so whack

This recipe for a “microwave omelet” is amazing – I wouldn’t really describe it as an omelet myself, it’s more like set scrambled eggs. A scromelet? Hmm. Sounds like it could be a technical word used in school rugby.

u crack me up

Anyway the name is beside the point since it is absolutely YUMMY if done right, and it scores bonus points for literally using only a mug and a fork and also … wait for it…. being DONE in 2 MINUTES! Up until this past Sunday I had been telling anyone who would stand still long enough about what a time-saver the kettle-boiled-eggs were of a weekday morning. Now I look back at the boiled eggs through slitty eyes and with heaps of contempt, since I can have a high-protein hot breakfast ready in the same time as it takes to make a cup of coffee.

dig in

I’ve decided that this is my new favourite omelet because it’s not as fiddly to make as a proper folded one in a pan (because it will always tear and the filling will spew out and burn onto the pan) and that it’s even yummier than my previous most favourite omelet ever. My previous favourite was the ham and cheese omelet prepared by the nice lady at the City Lodge. Nice lady – you have been wasting your time. Use the microwave rather.

that is all

butter me up

it takes 2

embellished

peekaboo

For one microwave omelet:

(I’m not even going to list the ingredients. It’s just that simple).

Either give a microwave-safe mug a burst of cooking spray or alternately (and this is the yummier option), plop half a teaspoon of butter into it, melt it in the microwave (5 seconds should do it) and swirl it round the mug to coat.

Crack 2 eggs into the mug. Give them a beating, then mix in your choice of bitsy embellishments and seasoning. I like ripped-up ham and roughly crumbled feta with lots of black pepper.

Put the mug in the centre of the microwave and press play for a total of 2 minutes. At 30 second intervals, stop the microwave, carefully remove the (very hot) mug and stir the contents – there will be a layer of cooked egg forming on top and you need to distribute this to prevent a dry rubbery layer forming. The last 30 seconds are my favourite – it starts to rise up to the top of the mug as if it’s peeping out, and when you open the microwave door it shoots back down again (maybe it’s only funny at that time of morning when my sense of humour hasn’t really woken up yet?).

You will know it’s done when there’s no free liquid. It shouldn’t be too dry either, my guess is that it will be like eating those green foam cubes that florists stick floral arrangements into. Garnish with a sprinkle of fresh chopped herbs and prepare to be impressed. Or impress someone else. Easiest breakfast in bed ever.

nom nom nom

A note of caution: Microwave cooking is awesome BUT things that go into the microwave seem to get much much hotter than other cooking methods, the kind of heat would worry the devil himself into blowing on a forkful of food before eating it. It also tends to stay hot for a longer time, especially in the middle. Be very careful when removing the mug from the microwave and also when shoveling the scromelet into your mouth. Scorched tastebuds are not the ideal way to start your day.

PS: About the name of this post. I have been avoiding names that are too local but since most of you reading this are South African I’m not too bovvered anymore. And if you aren’t South African you can use Google translate or ask your nearest friendly South African. The name comes from the Jack Parow song (love Jack Parow! Esp since I lived in Parow back in the good old days). And according to my sister, he’s cooler than Steve Hofeier.

PPS: I found this really funny slogan generator and plugged the word “egg” into it. The first one to come up was “Hungry? Why Wait? Grab an Egg”. How perfect is that! The others were way more arb…. here’s a sample:

  • Does the hard egg for you
  • Because so much is riding on your egg
  • Egg, take me away
  • Ribbed for her egg

(This is my new favourite online tool – expect some strange post names in future).

The Eggs-Files

Wooo woo woo wooo wee woooo… that’s my attempt at the famous series’ theme song, and if you start humming it out loud to yourself right now it will totally set the scene for these evil eggs that would have Scully and Mulder shining a torch up every chicken’s bottom for miles. I imagine that this is what Helena Bonham Carter makes Tim Burton for breakfast every day. Nothing says Halloween quite like a boiled egg covered in shadowy veinous spiderwebs… and out of it would hatch chicken-sized spiders with big knuckly hairy legs that would climb onto your face while you’re sleeping and they would suffocate you and wrap you up in sticky websy things….. *shivers theatrically*. Trust me on this one – do not ever google the words “spider chicken”.

{so I’m not the only one imagining this creature…}

These are a close copy of Martha Stewart’s recipe (thanks Gill for spotting it!) and also similar in principle to the Asian tea-eggs I once had the opportunity to try. In fact, I meant to pop an Earl Grey teabag into the solution to see what the effect would be on the flavour but of course I’ve only just remembered this now and it’ s far too late and I’m far too full to do anything about it. There are only so many eggs one can fit into ones insides (unless you are Cool Hand Luke). I would have used blueberries had they been handy, but black food colouring works just fine if you are not Martha/Nigella/Delia and don’t habitually keep large supplies of frozen everything. Next time I would like to try red for a “bloodshot eyeball” effect.

I have accidentally changed the method (oops) but since it’s worked let’s just call it wonderfully innovative and go with it.

For eerie eggs:

Fresh chicken eggs – I made two but whatever can be put into a pot in a single layer is fine

A few drops of black gel food colouring

Enough water to just cover the eggs

Firstly, if you buy organic free-range eggs they might need a light cleaning. Then, put them in a pot and add just enough ambient-temperature/tap water to cover and add the black food colouring. Bring to the boil (if you are planning to do, say, devilled eggs, or you are a bit OCD, stir the pot every once in a while to keep the eggs moving). Boil for 10 minutes, then remove from the heat.

Remove the eggs from the hot water using a slotted spoon and place on a folded tea towel. Don’t forget, these have just boiled for 10 minutes and eggs have this amazing ability to retain heat so it would be exceptionally dumb to try to remove them from the pot with your hands. It hurts. A lot.

Using the back of a tablespoon, give the egg a nice tap on one side – this will from a perfect webby network of cracks. I turned the egg over and repeated the abuse on the other side but depending on presentation this isn’t really needed. Pour the inky cooking liquid into a small, deep bowl and immerse the eggs in the water. Once it’s cooled down a bit, place the bowl in the fridge until the eggs are completely cool.

I don’t know if Martha’s blueberry method does the same thing, but the black food colouring looked greenish in the water and turned the eggshells magenta – I loved it. Curiouser and curiouser.

Peel the eggs; serve them up with salt and pepper to your unsuspecting victims as if they are perfectly normal, and watch them act out the definition of “trepidation” as they poke at the egg to see what it’s reaction will be…

PS: I recommend that as someone takes a first tentative bite, touch something spidery-feeling to the back of their neck (like those school-project pipe-cleaner). Have someone else with a camera ready to catch a picture of the reaction, and send the photo to me so I can have a cackle.