Hard. Boiled.

Now that eggs have had the cholesterol charges dropped and protein is the new dietary black, we just can’t get enough of these little chicken-bum-emissions! Personally, I’m a huge fan. Never mind their versatility and crazy nutritive value, I have a complete and absolute phobia of birds – so eating eggs is, to me, my subtle contribution to decimating the bird population.

Anyway, so it’s Easter again, a time when lovable bunnies, fluffy chickens and candy eggs take centre stage in all their pastel-coloured sugar-coated glory. Blegh. So frikkin sweet my teeth hurt whenever I walk into a supermarket and get hit by the glare off of a thousand gold-wrapped chocolate eggs.

Give me eggs with attitood:

get your leather on

How awesome are these?? Makes such an awesome difference from the usual pink, yellow and lilac Easter-ness. Rustling these up made me want to sport a dragon ear cuff, sing that Black Parade song, and eat raw cigarettes for breakfast.

(Ok I’m kidding, I’m not even remotely as bad-a$$ as these eggs are) (how sad – I am less cool than a boiled egg).

rebel!

grrrrrrr

Boil a bunch of eggs however you like them done – rare, medium or well done. Why not use the kettle for this purpose?

Cut out one of those kiddies fake tattoos to fit on the egg, and apply as per the instructions on pack – usually by holding a warm wet cloth over the tattoo for a minute. The backing paper will easily come away once the tattoo has transferred.

cut that out

warm and cosy

off with his head

Surprise/scare your loved ones for breakfast this Easter – studded leatherwear optional.

PS: You actually can purchase a robot to tattoo eggs – check out the EggBot! It really exists!! *nerd-snort*

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Nest to Impress

Oh Em Gee how did we get to Easter so soon? I demand a recount! No way can we be near the end of the full forty days and forty nights already! Not only do I demand a recount, but I also demand a do-over because I kind of missed Pancake (Shrove) Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, St Patricks Day and Who-knows-what-else Day. I’m totally unprepared.

Bah Easter Humbug.

like clockwork

Anyway, like they did in the good old cooking shows on TV *rummages under the counter* here’s one I made earlier! Ta-da! *points eagerly at chocolate concoction while everyone gets bored and wanders off*.

snug as chocolate bugs II

Using balloons to mould chocolate bowls is so old it’s not even a “thing” anymore, probably because it predates Pinterest. I’d always had this idea it would be hideously fiddly until I saw a 12 year old boy using this technique on Junior Masterchef. True, he made a booboo and fed the judges a tiny bit of balloon which he’d neglected to mention was still lurking in the depths of his dessert, but it was beautiful nonetheless – a dessert tucked inside a white chocolate dome through which one had to smash your way like a pinata. I love interactive (violent?) food.

The planning stages were, for me, a wee bit fiddly – I considered things like the weird smell inherent to balloons, the height limitation of the shelves in my fridge, and the wisdom in dipping a balloon into piping hot chocolate (rookie mistake – don’t do this unless you truly do wish to paint your kitchen in the shade Molten Chocolate Explosion). Once I’d worked out these minor points it was all systems go.

pantone

I’m not crazy about just using the chocolate bowl as, um – a bowl. But it’s an awesome shape from which to go a little mental – like, it could be an egg with a chocolate dinosaur emerging or it could be the top bit of a gigantic chocolate wine glass (yes!!) or with a little bit of doodling it can be a cute little nest like the one I made.

scaled up

So, all you need really is balloons and chocolate. Nothing frightening. Don’t bother using fancy-shmancy chocolate with boastful exclamations about cocoa solids and stuff on the front of the wrapper; cheap & nasty cooking chocolate works best because it sets quickly and snappily and isn’t prone to the fancy-chocolate-sulks (you know – where it refuses to set because it’s out of temper, and it’s dull and floppy and dragging it’s chocolate feet).

  1. First up is hygiene. I can’t stand the smell of balloons, so I gave the outside surface a gentle wash with warm water and dishwashing soap followed by thorough rinsing. Inflate the balloon until the round bit is the right size for your purposes, and tie a knot. Resist the urge to let air out in farty noises.The washing process would have changed the texture from slippery to kind of grippy so give it a wipe with a tiny amount of cooking oil.
  2. Meanwhile, lay a sheet of greaseproof paper down on a tray which will fit into your fridge. Check this part. Your fridge may not be as big as you like to think.
  3. Chop up the cooking chocolate, and melt 3/4 in a shallow microwavable bowl in the microwave until the bits just start looking blurry at the edges. Add the last quarter and stir gently until smooth and melted and kind of like you want to stick your face into it. Don’t.
  4. The chocolate won’t be very warm after adding the last bit and stirring it in – lukewarm at most. Dip the rounded bit of your prepared balloon into the chocolate, turning it over and over so that the chocolate extends up the sides and forms a nice thick layer. Use the back of a spoon to help the process. Lift the balloon out of the chocolate and turn it gently to spread the chocolate evenly and get rid of any excess. Spoon a wodge of melted chocolate onto the greaseproof paper to be the “anchor” then wodge the balloon onto it, holding it steady until the chocolate sets at the base.

just chillinphweeeee

Repeat as needed, then pop the lot into the fridge to set completely. I always forget to time this stuff. Let’s call it an hour *looks shiftily in other direction*.

When it’s totally set, use a pin to VERY GENTLY make a tiny hole near the knot. Slowly let the air out, gently pulling the balloon away from the chocolate sides – gently, or the chocolate will collapse inwards with the balloon. Don’t take too long because or the heat from your hands will start to melt all that hard work.

Now isn’t that so pretty? Take a moment to admire your polished chocolate bowl.Next, melt chocolate in a contrasting colour and (I used a teaspoon) kind of fling it around in thin circular motions all over the chocolate bowl to make it look nest-y.

dressing the nest

Last but not least, use a bit more melted chocolate to secure eggs in the middle of the nest, and if it’s looking kinda bland throw some sweeties in there too. Or get a giant chocolate chicken (from the supermarket – life is too short to also mould a whole frikkin’ bird out of chocolate) and park it on the eggs *wails “why didn’t I think of this at the time dang nabbit”*.

snug as chocolate bugs

PS: Will someone who is braver than I am PLEASE create a balloon cake and prank someone? It’s so mean. So mean and so awesome.

Five Things: Hoppy Easter!

Happy Easter Sunday everyone! Hope you are enjoying a breakfast of chocolate bunnies and those hard white candy-coated eggs that taste like chalk and chip the enamel off your teeth!

I am abstaining from the chocolate breakfast and instead dyeing my hair chocolate brown to honour the occasion. This is the first time I attempt a DIY-dye, and I was mighty surprised that it smelled so pungently of ammonia. Although it comes in a “non-drip” mousse format and I thought I was doing a pretty good job getting it to stick onto my sizzling, Handy-Andy-smelling scalp… when I eventually turned away from the mirror I found that the bathroom looked as though some small animal with digestive troubles had run amok and poo’d polka-dot style ALL OVER the place. I don’t think the mats and towels will ever recover from this little episode. It has turned out to be a very poor substitute for actual chocolate.

If you are also trying to resist the urge to bite the ears off a chocolate bunny, consider these instead:

{chocolate face mask - found it in Clicks}

{chocolate face mask – found it in Clicks}

{Chocomania range from The Body Shop}

{Chocomania range from The Body Shop}

I saved the best for last – it has little to do with food, or chocolate… but everything to do with FLUFFY BUN-BUNS!! *collapses into cute-induced coma*

If you are also a fan of fluffy bunnykins, then you will love cuteoverload – this link will take you directly to snuggly-bunnydom (be prepared to spend at least 3 hours shrieking AAWWWW NUNU!! at your computer).