These trials were inspired by a consumer-complaint I read about at work, in which the consumer had become so wildly upset by a spicy product (which everyone else loves, by the way. If you dislike spicy food, don’t buy the one with the word “curry” across the front) that he felt the need to write to us. He expressed his displeasure at length, concluding that a “poop on toast” flavour would be preferable. Thank you, anonymous miserable whiney-pants, your letter was the source of much giggling in the workplace and gave me an idea – what would make the most delicious and realistic Poop on Toast?
I gave this plenty of thought and research, and decided to narrow the ideas down to four – two savoury, two sweet. Plus a “side dish” for fun (there was going to be an edible fly and maggot garnish too, but nobody else seemed enthusiastic about these so I dropped them). I got so caught up in the theme that I made a Poop on Toast birthday cake, and I’m still waiting for the right event to try out the mini Poop on Toast hors d’oeuvres that I thought up.
Sadly no-one ever expressed interest in eating any Poops again after the initial trials, but I bet it would make for interesting conversation at a dinner party or bookclub gathering. It was grudgingly admitted that all of them tasted amazing, so the winner had to be selected based on most convincing appearance…
Savoury Poop No. 1: Meatloaf
I figured meatloaf would be easiest to shape, and this is a very yummy recipe – but it turned out a bit too soft and goes a bit amorphous in the oven. Which could still be a poop shape actually. Depending. I’m going to stop now.
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup fresh breadcrumbs
1 cup grated Cheddar cheese (essential ingredient! everything is better with cheese)
1 teaspoon salt
450g lean beef mince
Mush everything together in a bowl until just mixed (don’t let it become a soggy pulp). Shape it into a snakey shape on a sheet of cling-wrap, wrap it up snug as a bug and chill for a little bit to firm up. Ideal time to get the oven preheated to 180 degrees Celsius. When its ready, unwrap and shape the poop on a baking sheet.
In a separate bowl, mix together 2/3 cup tomato sauce, 1/4 cup sugar and 1 1/2 teaspoons prepared mustard – carefully brush this savoury gloop over the shaped poop. Bake for 20-30 minutes (one of these days I will replace the clock’s dead battery and start timing things) until cooked through and browned and poopy. Serve on hot buttered toast.
Savoury Poop No. 2: Boerewors
This does seem a little like cheating… but I won’t tell.
Using sharp scissors, remove the casing from boerewors. Shape it into the desired shape on a baking sheet and brush with shop-bought barbeque sauce. Pop into a hot oven for about 20 minutes – I don’t know. It will take the same amount of time as the meatloaf, and is also served on hot buttered toast. I wish I could say yum but it doesn’t seem right.
Sweet Poop No. 1: Chocolate Ice-Cream
There’s just no point making a double batch so that there’s some for later – leftovers of this ice-cream do not exist. I was so busy sneaking little spoonfuls of it I didn’t get around to taking photo’s. Nothing competes with home-made ice-cream; plus if you make it in poop shapes it’s already in portions for serving and you don’t need to wrestle it into perfect ice-cream balls.
250g dark chocolate, grated
3 egg yolks
400ml thick cream
30ml chocolate liqueur
Combine the sugar and water in a saucepan. Bring to the boil, stirring constantly (the end result is worth the effort). Boil for 3 minutes, then remove from the heat and leave to cool for 15 minutes.
Add the grated chocolate to the syrup and pour into a blender. Blend on high speed for 10 seconds or until as smooth as Jude Law in the company of his kids’ new nanny. Add the egg yolks one by one with the blender running on medium speed, and beat until well mixed.
Beat the cream until it forms soft peaks then very gently fold into the chocolate mixture with the liqueur. Carefully pout into a large freezer bag, seal, and freeze for at least 5 hours.
Prepare vanilla french toast, cut a corner off the ice-cream bag, and pipe a poop onto the toast. Serve immediately, otherwise this Number 1 will turn into a Number 2.
Sweet Poop No. 2: Chocolate Mousse
This is real chocolate mousse, not the strange jellified lumps of aerated wobbliness served at family restaurants. This recipe makes the best dishes for licking out afterwards.
150g dark chocolate, chopped/broken into bits
3 eggs, separated
1 tablespoon castor sugar
1 cup cream
Set the chocolate in a bowl over another bowl of hot water (Confession: I use the microwave). Stir until it melts, then allow it to cool back to room temperature (scrambled egg mousse is not remotely as good as chocolate mousse). Beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form (hold the bowl upside down over your head – if the egg doesn’t fall out its ready. If it does fall out – oops. Start again). Lightly whisk the sugar and cream together.
Whisk the egg yolks lightly and mix into the chocolate until blended and smooth. Add a quarter of the beaten egg white into the chocolate mixture and stir in. Then add the chocolate mixture to the remaining egg whites and very gently fold in, then fold in the cream which you have whisked to form soft peaks.
Spoon ever so gently into a large freezer bag, seal, prop upright in a bowl and refrigerate for about 3 hours.
Serve in the same way as the Chocolate Ice-Cream.
Side-Dish: Toilet Paper
Unroll a sheet of defrosted phyllo pastry; working quickly so it doesn’t dry out, cut it into toilet-paper-width strips, then use a sharp knife to make little serrations across the toilet paper every 10cm or so; shape the toilet paper on a baking sheet (crumpled or straight, that’s the beauty of phyllo) brush with water and sprinkle with castor sugar (only if it will be served with a sweet poop of course, the water and sugar may be skipped for savoury poop) then bake until just crisp but not browned (you will need to watch it constantly but then it does take less than a minute).
The ice-cream and mousse looked quite similar and both were absolutely delicious, but it was much easier to shape and serve the chocolate mousse (it doesn’t melt as soon as it hits the toast, and its a lot easier to squeeze out of the freezer bag).
The meatloaf, though yummy, was a little too shapeless and tended to char a little in the thinner parts whereas the boerewors held its shape and browned evenly, making a particularly convincing poop.
And so the winner is – Boerewors Poop!
I so dare you to try this out – your guests reactions alone will be well worth the effort; have a camera ready.